Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
