yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
