I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
