my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
