Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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