i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
