my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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