It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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