i wish there were pregnant emoticons
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
