last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
