see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
