It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Randomize
