I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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