"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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