Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just cropdusted the office
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
