Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
