There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
