Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
