Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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