Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
