I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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