we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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