I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
