i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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