just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
