I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
