Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
