His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
