Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
