she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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