Tell her she can't have a vagina
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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