before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
