a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
