I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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