Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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