I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
