Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
