I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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