Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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