Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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