Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
