Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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