god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
