Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
