I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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