I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You are the jesus of drinking
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
