How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
There's even glitter on my cock...
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