It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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