if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
