i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
